oh, hey.

i forget about this blog for months at a time, but i suppose that could be a good and a bad thing. i've just been busy living my life. i started a few blog posts that i never published. two of them are from over a year ago. i never got them just right, so i never published them. i don't know if they are so relevant anymore.

i got into grad school for marriage and family therapy. thankfully, that plan has worked out for me thus far. if you know me, you know i struggle with feeling really good about something, and then i have to watch as it falls apart around me. i dwell on failed plans a lot, much more than i let on. i always wonder what i did wrong or what i should have done better, even if i wasn't the problem in the first place. but with that whole idea of, "you can't change other people or certain circumstances in life; you can only change yourself," it's kind of like...."okay, so what are my other options?" so, grad school in the field i want is a huge blessing. i still struggle with not being able to have other things i really want, but i have to be patient and allow the lord to bless me with the people and opportunities to grow that i do have, i needed this to be able to throw my talents into something worthwhile. it is the worst to feel like you have no outlet to be able to do something you love and are good at.

when big, positive changes happen in my life, i start to wonder if something bad is going to happen to me to compensate for my good fortune. i wonder if i'm going to die or lose my sight or vision or my left hand or something. it's hard for me to accept big blessings because i'm used to seeing other people get the things i have been dreaming about. however, i understand that there are those who wish they could be where i am. i am doing awesome things in a beautiful place with all of the resources i need. i love where i live. i love the mountains, the lakes, the blue sky, the trees, the canyons. i went up a canyon for labor day, and it was a visual treat to see the beauty that god created to lift the soul. it let me know that i could handle whatever was going to happen to me in the near future. i am on this earth to find joy. i felt it on monday. i want to feel more of it, so i have to keep working hard to find it.