july 13, 2009.

while my brother was on his mission, i decided that i wanted to serve a mission, also. i talked to him about it often. one day, he asked me why i wanted to serve. this was my answer, recorded in my journal on july 13, 2009.

i have the great blessing of having been born into the church of jesus christ of latter-day saints. my individual efforts as well as my family's collective efforts to keep the lord's commandments and covenants have blessed our lives tremendously throughout the years. i was fortunate enough to have a fairly content childhood and adolescence. i did not experience any traumatic experiences, though i worried something bad would happen to me or one of my family members sometimes. with all of the heartache found in the world, it wouldn't have been wise to think my family was exempt from pain. thankfully, nothing has happened to me or them.

i experienced a true heartache right before i entered college, though. after a long time of wanting to find love with someone, i found it but then had to let it go. when all of my friends seemed to be having a fun and care-free freshman year, i was miserable. i struggled to put the pieces back together for many months.

i received my patriarchal blessing, and that changed my perspective on life substantially. it helped me realize that i wasn't the colossal, unlovable failure satan was succeeding in leading me to believe i was. i realized that my heavenly father not only loved me unconditionally, but that he was proud of me and saw me as an exalted daughter if i continued progressing. i don't know if i had ever believed those things as much as i did then. finding the strength to become the person i was supposed to become became easier because i knew there was somebody aware of all of my heartache and feelings of inadequacy.

i knew the lord knew how i felt and was waiting for me to come to him for a way out. i knew christ was alleviating my pain every time i asked for assistance to get through the days that were particularly difficult. loving someone wasn't a sin, but christ suffered for the pain of all mankind. the end result of loving someone was the most painful thing to endure for me because it was something i wanted for a long time, and it felt like i didn't get it because i didn't deserve it. jesus christ knows it is hard for me, and i've felt his love so much in the past year and a half.

the knowledge of his atonement has changed the way i approach life. the more i feel the holy ghost in my life, the less reserved i become about talking about christ's church. why should i be ashamed that i want people to feel christ's love and enjoy the blessings that go along with joining christ's church and keeping his commandments? my actions steadily change to reflect this mindset. i empathize with people much more than i was previously able to. my love for people has extended from those in close proximity to everyone who is struggling and looking for a way out.

heber j. grant once remarked, "the best way in the world to show our love for our neighbor is to go forth and proclaim the gospel of the lord jesus christ, of which he has given us an absolute knowledge concerning its divinity." i know there is absolute truth in this statement. there are so many "unprepared friends" who don't care for us and what we have to say, but there are many who quietly cry out for it. i want people to know that christ is our savior and that he wants to alleviate our pain. that's it. we need to let him in, and we need to do what he asks of us so that we can return to him and live happily eternally.

i'm led to believe that successful missionaries have personal experiences that strengthen their testimony of the atonement, which translate into love for mankind. i want to serve because i know my experiences will help me love who i serve and that i will make the lord happy by doing his work (and that it is worth the 18-month commitment). mosiah 28:3 says it best: "now they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thought that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble."