four and a half.

i've mentioned that i'm in an a capella group with all guys. i'm the sole female voice/perspective amidst all of the testosterone in the room. it took a bit of adjusting to the first week or so because wow! being with a group of guys for more than an hour or so in a setting that is not a lecture is a lot different than being with a group of women. i guess i'd forgotten about that, since it's been years since i've had an actual group of guy friends rather than just hanging out with one or two all of the time. i love them all, and i especially love how we all flow well together. we laugh at a lot of the same things, and if someone doesn't get the joke, that in itself is hilarious. i definitely have lower stress because of a capella practice because we're singing, feeling the music, smiling, and laughing. however (because this was all leading up to a however), sometimes i'm like, "dang!" because they have this surprising ability to turn some of the things i say into dirty jokes. i would be such a liar if i said i didn't contribute sometimes, but i was totally surprised at first that they would be straightforward with the jokes. i mean, i'm a lady. isn't it some unwritten rule to clean up your language around a lady? i've gotten better at stamping (embossing, if you will) the "lady" on the group, and the guys respect that.

one of my group members (#1) talks often about his eagerness to date hot girls. i got this vibe from the first time i ever met him, which was at his callback for our group. he hit on me at the end of the audition by commenting on the chemistry between us (to which my brother replied, "watch it."). the other night, we all had a huge song selection meeting. one group member (#2) mentioned a girl who would be in need of this other member's studio services. #1 asked if the girl was hot because he would date her if she was hot and single. #2 said she had a cute face, but she was a little heavier. #1 said, "oh, a four and a half." i was sitting on the couch with my eyeballs bugging out of my face. then:
#1: what?
me: wow, how superficial and shallow.
#1: it's not superficial. i'm being real.
me: still shallow. wow.
#1: what? can you honestly tell me you've been interested in someone larger?
me: yes, actually, i've been interested in larger men before.
#1: *eyebrow raise of "come oooooon, really?"*
me: yes! i may not be super attracted to someone at first, but the more i get to know them, the more potential there is for something to turn on for me. then they're very attractive, and i'm very interested.
#1: i think it's different for guys and girls. girls are more interested in the inside, but guys are more interested in the outside....blah blah blah, taylor swift is an 8....blah blah.

...from there, i don't really remember what he said because i was still stuck on that first part (it's quite possible that i'm writing only what i think i heard). it's not like it's anything i haven't heard before, but i still have to wonder, is that really the deciding factor for who guys ask out? the girl's rating on a relative scale? yes, looks are important, but is the guy going to just shut her out of sight, out of mind if she isn't high up there? i guess it's really hard for me to wrap my mind around it because i don't use a scale when i consider someone's attractiveness.

my girl friends and i will say, "oh, he's gorgeous," but we don't assign a number to him, and i, personally, don't immediately think of him as someone i want to date. it does happen sometimes, but most times it doesn't. the thought just doesn't cross my mind. there have been plenty of guys that i think are gorgeous, and, though i enjoy looking at them, i don't feel any sort of attraction. i've even tried to be like, "c'mon, girl, you can do it! feel something! it would be cool to have a crush on him!" nothing. i don't even think of that until he's made some sort of action that impresses me -- not necessarily a move on me, but shows an interest in something i like...or sings...or dances...or does both. you get what i mean. that being said, a guy that i may have overlooked before has pretty much the same chance as becoming attractive to me as somebody i would have considered an adonis at first glance. the thought of dating someone will start to cross my mind more when that happens. and all of this isn't necessarily to say i won't date someone because the thought hasn't crossed my mind. i'll give any guy a chance if i'm comfortable with him and he hasn't asked me out via text, facebook, or im (because really? really?).

this is how i think my mind works at the moment. this is subject to change, as i have only recently really found myself in this whole dating game (which i've been a part of for some time, but i was oblivious or purposefully avoiding it for one reason or another). i'm starting to suck less at this game, but i can't say i really understand all of the rules. they just wear me out. it could be that the way i view men and dating/relationships will change a whole lot the more i actually analyze it. i mean, i learn about this stuff all of the time (a post is forthcoming on how much i love this major, by the way). i hate looking at this sort of stuff sometimes because i have a problem with over-analyzing everything. maybe i should just be a hermit...then i could meet a male hermit, and we could lead a blissfully uncomplicated hermit life.